It’s pretty muggy outside today. It will probably rain later.
I’m listening to a Spotify playlist called “Disney Hits” because this day needs a little light.
I’m on my second cup of coffee because sleep seems to be evading me these days.
I have found myself in this odd place where the hum of anxiety is running fairly constantly, and depression would love to creep right on in at the first sign of an open space.
Most of you know that about 5 years ago I stopped taking all medication for anxiety and depression. I believe in medication, but I felt like it was time for me to step away from that and learn some other coping mechanisms. So I did. I started journaling, walking, praying, worship music, running, intentionally being around people (especially when I didn’t want to), staying away from depressing shows, movies and music, and doing all the things I know will help me be healthy and happy. And it has worked. All of it. It all makes a difference.
And then life happens, and you have to really fight. You find it isn’t so easy anymore. Things don’t go the way you thought they would – the promise doesn’t come when you expected it. The fulfillment of the word looks different than what you thought, and suddenly your world is upside down.
Ever been there?
Jonathan and I have been praying about several things for this year, and here we are, almost in month 7, and not one single thing has worked out. Not one. And to be honest, I feel a little lost. I feel disappointed, and a lot of confusion and some anger.
Can you relate?
Even crazier, the things I normally do to keep from feeling discouraged – they aren’t really working this time. I’m just having to navigate what it feels like to be disappointed. And that really sucks. But it’s also really healthy.
I don’t like to feel my emotions. They are overwhelming, and most of the time just too much. I like to push them down, and “worry about it later” except I don’t deal with the problem, and eventually explode. It’s super unattractive and unfortunately Jonathan gets the brunt of it – which is much worse because I love that handsome guy so much.
Yesterday the anxiety got pretty bad. So, I left work, took some sick time, and went home. Probably for the first time in my life, I took care of myself and gave myself what my body needed in that moment. And here is what I realized, which I had always known, but needed a serious reminder.
The world is broken, and it’s beautiful.
There is tragedy all around us, and there is also hope surrounding us.
I have no clue what the next month holds, but I know that the flowers I’m looking at are gorgeous and standing tall without worry.
I have felt more kindness from friends in this season than I can handle.
People are rude, but they are also generous, kind, excellent in crisis, and full of grace.
A friend of mine sent me a video last night of a little boy singing the song “Goodness of God” by Jenn Johnson and Bethel Music, and y’all I had tears watching that video.
Because regardless of how it feels, or looks – He is still good.
He has never left me. He has always provided. He has always been on my side. He has always been faithful.
Friends, life is hard, but humanity is at its best in crisis. We rally together and love each other well when its hard. Lean on your people. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to admit you don’t have it all figured out. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are disappointed. But mostly, don’t forget to believe in goodness and hope in the midst of it all. Don’t let anger and frustration take that away from you.
Jesus is good.
He is here.
He is working.
He believes in you.
He loves you.
That’s all you need.